sometimes we win, and sometimes…

sometimes we win. sometimes we lose. 

sometimes the day seems bright and hopeful. sometimes it feels like it all may come crashing down at any second. 

sometimes you cherish times with dear friends and sometimes you ache to be with loved ones. 

sometimes the sky is clear and crisp. 

sometimes it’s stormy and ominous. 

sometimes the bills win. 

sometimes the dolphins win. 

and isn’t that just life. 

it’s a mixed bag.

I have to wonder if we are just out here doing our best to co-create something miraculous out of a system that’s rigged with complexities, struggle, mystery, beauty, and heartache. 

still we chase joy….

I find myself chasing it down like the coyote chases after the roadrunner…

I once thought I was chasing “happy” or “a life void of pain or discomfort (true enneagram millennial american 7 stuff.) 

well, as I’ve aged I am not just chasing happy, because happiness is shallow and fleeting . happiness is one dimensional.

happiness is an illusion if you’re paying attention. chasing happy can end us in a straitjacket that keeps us from actually experiencing the fullness of this human experience. 

and honestly some days I don’t want to feel the fuller parts.

I’d like to stay safe in the pursuit of happiness. 

but joy keeps whispering and beckoning me around the next darker corner… 

joy is resting in the deep and wide, 

sweaty and majestic, 

mature, complex, and spiritual corners of this life… 

and it’s seems the only way we make our way there is through. 

through the dark days and the losses and the tears and the discomfort and rain. most parts of me wish this wasn’t true. 

I may live in and talk about “the work” a lot (literally dedicating my life to it) but man do I still resent it. 

I wish I could have stayed with just being “happy.” 

but “happy” is missing part of the story. 

so many parts of the story.

so many of those parts are beautiful their own ways. 

nobody said it was easy… 

wait, I feel like someone must have because why would we all feel so unprepared for the hard of it all? 

I am honestly still shocked by it. 

and the more I pay attention and risk in this life, the less “easy” it feels.

A new favorite author and columnist writes this about joy and happiness… 

“Happiness usually involves a victory for the self. Joy tends to involve the transcendence of self. Happiness comes from accomplishments. Joy comes when your heart is in another. Joy comes after years of changing diapers, driving to practice, worrying at night, dancing in the kitchen, playing in the yard and just sitting quietly together watching TV. Joy is the present that life gives you as you give away your gifts.

The core point is that happiness is good, but joy is better. It’s smart to enjoy happiness, but it’s smarter still to put yourself in situations where you might experience joy.

…

We live in a cruel time, when people attack you when they see a hint of vulnerability. So, it’s extra important to stick with emotional honesty even after people take advantage of your vulnerability to inflict pain. Vulnerability is the only means we have to build relationships, and relationships are the only means we have to experience joy.”

-David Brooks, New York Times 

Somewhere along the way, I learned about this vulnerability thing ( thanks Brene) and it changed my life, and it continues to level me and take my breath and then give it back deeper than before.

Joy is the welcoming of all of it together and rumbling with the magnitude and the spectrum that is a life lived awake…

and sometimes the Bills win ❤️💙❤️💙